1 year

When Jake died...it was seriously life shattering for us for a few weeks. It's hard to comprehend how it's possible to feel peaceful and happy now when we felt so sad then. That was a HARD day. Since then, he's been honored with awards and people have done SO much to make Mary Louise and the rest of the family feel like we're not alone in our mourning...which truly does help in the healing process. After uploading my blog to BookSmart to create a book, I realized that I never blogged about what happened (from my point of view) the day Jake died.

I was in bed. It was a Sunday morning and Brandon had gone to the Church for meetings already. I was just laying in bed enjoying the fact that the kids were still sleeping and I didn't have to get out of bed yet. I am not sure what time it was. While I was laying there, I heard the siren of an Emergency vehicle going by and didn't think much of it. Actually, I thought about Brandon's Uncle Dean because that's who I always think about when I hear sirens going in that direction...he's getting older and so I worry about him. Anyhow...I heard the sirens and then a few minutes later the phone rang. It was my sister in law Teresa calling. She sounded scared as she asked for Brandon. I told her that he was at meetings and then she asked me to pray for Jake because he'd fallen and wasn't breathing. I got out of bed, said a prayer and then went to find the phone number to the Bishops office. All along I was waiting to hear the sirens of the ambulance so that I'd know that Jake was okay and on his way to the hospital. Well...I was able to get a hold of Brandon and told him what Teresa had said and he said he'd go over and help give Jake a blessing. Then I called my mom. There wasn't much to tell her...I just needed her to know what was going on. By now....over 5 minutes had passed and I was getting scared because I hadn't heard that ambulance yet. When I was 19, I was trained as an Emergency First Responder...so I know what people do when they get an emergency call....and each minute that went past without me hearing those sirens solidified my worry that Jake wasn't going to make it. By now, Kaitlyn was awake and we knelt down and prayed for a miracle but in my mind...I knew he'd been too long without oxygen. 15 minutes after Teresa's phone call, I heard the ambulance. A few minutes later my sister in law Pam called to see if I wanted to drive to the hospital with her and Teresa. Aunt Ruth came over to be with my kids. In my mind I kept saying that he'd been too long without oxygen but please make him okay. Teresa and Pam got to my house and Weston and I got in the car and we left. We didn't get passed Taylor before we called for an update and were told that Jake didn't make it. I remember just bursting into tears and asking Teresa to pull over. Then we got back on the road and sped to the hospital. I called Aunt Evelyn and Aunt Ruth to tell them what had happened. Aunt Evelyn was watching Travis and Teresa's kids. Then I just started thinking... I couldn't imagine what on earth I'd say to Brandon when I saw him. Then I started thinking about Jake and all he does and wondering who would do it and I started to worry about our State of Arizona and wondered who would stand up to our Governor for us. I never really worried about what was going on in our State government because I knew Jake was there taking care of things. Well...we got to the hospital and went in to try to find the chapel. Brandon and Travis met us at the door leading into the area where Jake was. I just remember hugging Brandon and crying together and then going in to see Jake. They hadn't taken out the attachment to the ventilator and I remember wanting to take it out. I called my mom and told her that Jake hadn't made it and she offered to drive up right away but I told her to wait. We all just stayed in the room with Jake and talked...and we'd get to where we weren't crying anymore and then all of a sudden the tears were back again...finally we decided to go ahead and say good bye and leave the hospital.

I don't remember all that went on the rest of that day or the next few. We spent a lot of time at Brandon's parents house and there were LOTS of visitors who brought LOTS of food.

When I think back to that time...it seems like it was terrible but good. I have never felt the power of other peoples prayers buoying me up like I did then. Brandon and I spent time talking and crying together. And I felt more bonded to Brandon's family after going through that trial together.

This past year has gone by fast. I miss Jake. I really do...but I feel peace now.

I feel like we should be doing something to 'celebrate' his passing. Some of Brandon's siblings were able to go do sealings together which I think would have been nice to do. Today they are doing something at the State Capitol. I think they called it a Death Resolution. It's going to be read in front of the Legislators and Senators and some of the family is going to be there for that. Brandon couldn't' miss work or else we could have been there. So many people and organizations have done so many things to honor Jake that it's been impossible to be there for them all.

Anyhow... I guess I don't really know what else to say! I am just so grateful for the Gospel. I don't know how people get through the loss of a loved ones without it.